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Avoid.
Yep, that’s what we do. All the time.
Case in point.
I put on a pair of jeans today. Or perhaps I should be more descriptive and say, “I wriggled into my jeans.” And all day long, I felt like a stuffed sausage.
What do I ask myself?
“Did these jeans shrink when I put them in the wash?” “Were they always this “snug?”
Later that day, I couldn’t handle not knowing, so I checked the scale to see if the numbers had increased.
They had — a lot.
So my next line of questioning?
“Didn’t my husband say he thought the scale was off?” “Aren’t the numbers higher because I just ate?”
All these questions. All these attempts to avoid the truth.
And if you’re honest with yourself, I bet you’re doing a lot of “running away” too.
After all, running away from the truth feels good. It keeps the pain at bay. It protects our self-esteem.
But the reality is hiding from the hurt is destroying us.
Because there’s absolutely no way to grow without it.
So prepare yourself. I’m about to make you face some of that pain, but I promise you it will be beneficial.
Step one: Go searching for the pain
You’re not happy about your looks. You’re not happy with how you parent. You’re not happy that you make an ass of yourself because you can’t control your eating or alcohol. You’re not happy you stay in a marriage where your needs are ignored, or your emotions are belittled.
You’re not happy because you’ve been broken by things you can’t move past: death, adultery, abandonment, abuse, the words of a bully, the loss of a job, the pain of a miscarriage.
And it’s eating you alive, but you do what all humans do.
You tie your pain to an anchor so you can pretend it’s not there. You work around the clock because you think if you’re busy enough, the hurt, guilt, or disappointment will go away. You escape your suffering with chocolate cake, Netflix, video games, or pills.
However, I’m begging you. Don’t do it anymore.
Put on your sneakers and run to the pain, not away from it. This is the first step towards more happiness. You’ll see why later.
Here’s what to do
Make a list of the five most painful things that affect your life, and put them in order from most damaging to least. Then, write them down because you’ll need them for the next step.
Step two: Reflect using the five “W’s”
Being brave enough to name the things ruining your happiness is crucial. After all, the only way you can fix a problem is by admitting it’s there in the first place.
However, to truly lessen the impact of the things causing you pain, you have to do some self-analysis.
And my recommendation is to use the good old “5 W’s” you’ve been taught in school — who, what, where, when, and why.
For instance, let’s say you’re unhappy in your relationship.
What things are causing this dissatisfaction? Do you feel underappreciated? Do you think your partner finds you unattractive? Do you believe your partner prioritizes work or friends or family over you?
Why do you feel this why? What specific behaviors of your partner inspire these feelings?
And when you have these emotions, how do you respond? With hidden or open resentment? With self-imposed isolation? With pain-numbing activities such as eating or cheating or pretending everything is okay?
By analyzing the details of your hurt, you now have a better idea of steps to improve the situation or even completely eliminate the problem.
Here’s what to do
Remember those five happiness busters you listed above? Use this self-questioning technique to help you examine each of them in more detail. Then, write your reflections down because you’re going to use them for the most critical step of all.
Step three: Play offense
Now that you’ve analyzed the situations or emotions bringing you down, it’s time to take action.
And before I show you some things you can do to lessen the pain, I want you to keep the following mantra in mind.
“You are brave. You are strong. You can do this. You need to do this.”
I want you to repeat these phrases silently to yourself throughout the day. I also want you to say them out loud in your mirror, put them on sticky notes on your computer, and use them as a bookmark so you’ll come across them every night.
I emphasize this repetition because you will need these words when you start making the painful changes you need to make.
After all, it’s going to require boldness to sit down with your mate and tell them you’re unhappy, especially if your words may sting.
It’s going to require a tremendous amount of discipline to effort to watch your kids eat pancakes one day and cheeseburgers the next while you’re frowning down at your grilled chicken salad.
It’s going to be hell to walk into that gym. Within only a few minutes, the huffing and puffing will begin, and you’ll hate yourself for how long you’ve let yourself go. You’ll feel discouraged at the fact that achieving your goal weight will take months or even longer. You’ll think, “I’ve tried this a hundred times, and I always fail. So why should I expect something different now?”
And when these feelings begin, repeat after me.
“You are brave. You are strong. You can do this. You need to do this.”
Here’s what to do:
Find strategies you can take to start removing the suffering that’s stealing your joy. For example, take a look back at the list you made, and decide on one simple thing you can do to lessen your problems in each area.
Example:
Problem: I feel fat and ugly. How I’ll fight back. I’ll cut the most calorie-laden food I eat every day.
2. Problem: I feel ignored in my marriage. How I’ll fight back. I’ll find a time when my partner is relaxed and open, and I’ll express my concerns boldly and without sugar-coating.
3. Problem: I feel guilty about hurting or abandoning someone I loved. How I’ll fight back? I’ll swallow my pride, call them and accept responsibility for my actions. I’ll tell them how sorry I am for what I did, and I’ll bite my tongue when I start to make excuses.
4. Problem: I feel like a failure as a parent. How I’ll fight back. I’ll find one thing that I can do with my children to reconnect. And I’ll find something else to do the following week. And the next. And the next.
5. Problem: I’m paralyzed by fear. How I’ll fight back. I’ll do one thing today that scares me. Then I’ll do it again the next day, or find something new that I’m afraid of and take the leap.
Five small tasks. Resolve to do them. They’re not time-consuming, but they will change your life in beautiful ways.
The bottom line:
It’s now versus the rest of your life, and don’t you dare back down in fear. And no giving in. Just remember, you can experience the pain now or experience it for the rest of your life. So please don’t do the latter.
Fight like hell to reclaim your happiness. You were not born to suffer. As a matter of fact, you were born for joy and peace. You were born to blossom.
And if you have to fight your way through barbed wire to relieve the misery, then light a cigar, smoke it, and say, “Here I go.”