Five Tips From Expert Michelle Tillis Lederman’s Book The Laws of Likability
Creating close bonds with others may not be your strong point, but that doesn’t mean it’s a talent you can’t master.
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If you’re reading this, you want to be liked. I do too. And for some reason, there’s a shame attached to that statement in our society.
But there shouldn’t be.
It’s not wrong to want to be accepted and valued. It’s a universal desire. For example, psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs reveals the only things more important than “love and belonging needs” are survival basics (air, food, water, etc.) and a sense of safety and security.
Though some people might tell you differently, who doesn’t want to be the favorite grandma, coworker, child, or friend? Who doesn’t want to be the one that walks into a party and has a quarter of the room get up to greet them?
For example, even though I’m an introvert who doesn’t want people around me for long periods, it doesn’t change the fact that I want people to want to be around me for long periods.
And if you’re feeling friendless or unlikable, it’s easy to be discouraged and assume there’s something so inherently wrong with you that you can’t make connections with others.
But the truth is being liked is a skill all people can develop, and writer Michelle Tillis Lederman, one of Forbes Top 25 Networking Experts, tells you exactly how to develop this talent in her book The 11 Laws of Likability.
So here are a few of her laws that can help transform you from a wallflower to a sunflower.
“The Law of Giving”
There’s no better way to make someone like you than to make them like themselves. And even if they don’t want to admit it, every person has insecurities and doubts about their importance and worth.
However, don’t make the mistake of assuming flattery or lying will make you more likable. People don’t want that. As a matter of fact, most of us can usually spot a brown-noser a mile away.
Besides, there’s something people want you to give them much more than compliments or gifts. And what thing is that? Your undivided attention.
This truth is the foundation of another of Lederman’s “Laws of Likability.”
“The Law of Listening”
Being listened to means someone finds you worthy of attention, and most of us crave that feeling, especially in a world where texts, social media, and other distractions abound.
Case in point.
I’m a teacher, and I love all my students. But the ones I like most are those whose eyes are glued on me while I’m teaching. It’s that focused attention, that energy directed my way that makes me believe my words are so important that all their other interests and entertainments are forgotten.
And on the opposite even of the spectrum, I have those students who only pretend to listen. They look up every thirty seconds, so I won’t know they’re scrolling Instagram or watching Netflix on their school computers.
And when I catch these students, I stop them, mainly so they can learn the information I’m teaching. But as a person, there’s something about their inattention that says I’m unimportant and that they have better ways to spend their time.
And it stings.
So if you want to be likable, give the person you’re talking to the spotlight. (You want to really win their heart? Turn the damn phone off.)
Other tips for being a good listener?
Lean in towards the person who’s talking to show your attentiveness. If you’re sitting, turn your body and your chair towards them.
Make eye contact.
Repeat important information they tell you, so they feel heard.
Try to push away intrusive thoughts when another person is speaking. Fast Company calls this “[quieting] your agenda.” Be sure to make understanding the person talking a priority instead of pretending to listen and secretly focusing on your own concerns. There’s a big difference between the two, and, like flattery, most people can tell which of these is your goal. And that holds true even if you’ve put the electronics or paperwork aside.
Wait until a person has finished talking until you speak. Personally, I don’t mind someone chirping in if what they say is a question or reaction to my words. Still, many people see being interrupted as rude and as an indication you have no real interest in their words.
As Lederman states:
“Effective listening is the single most powerful thing you can do to build and maintain a climate of trust and collaboration. Strong listening skills are the foundation of all solid relationships.”
“The Law of Curiosity”
As much as people like being listened to, they like being asked questions about their lives, interests, and opinions better (as long as you ask questions that don’t pry into uncomfortable personal topics.). Asking questions makes you more likable because it not only signifies you’re being attentive, it means you want to know more.
And when someone seems so deeply interested in us they want to further the conversation by asking follow-up questions, our self-esteem skyrockets, and we feel fascinating and charismatic. And that’s a feeling all people want more of, which means individuals will like you more simply for the fact you created these feelings for them.
Lederman herself explains that “[initiating conversations and [being] curious about people is fundamental to building valuable relationships because curiosity creates connections.”
Providing extra proof for Lederman’s claims is billionaire “Bill” Marriott Jr., chairman of the Fortune 500 Marriot International hotel chain.
He details that incorporating four words in conversations can significantly affect a person’s likability and ability to bond with others. Those magical words? “What do you think?”
Of course, other questions and statements can also tell a person you find them (or their ideas) intriguing.
Here are some examples:
Can you tell me about_____________? It sounds (fascinating, interesting, etc.)
Can you give me more details about your____________?
What your opinion on…?
You said that you___________________. Why is that?
“I’m curious about why you think that ….”
“The Law of Authenticity”
Lederman’s Law of Authenticity is best summarized through her following statement:
“It is through the strength of what is genuine that meaningful connections build into relationships.”
Lederman elaborates, asserting that “harnessing likability is about uncovering what is authentically likable — in you, in the other person, in your connection.”
So, ask yourself, what’s likable about you. Is it your ability to see the best in others and then let them know? Is it your ability to be open-minded to views opposite from your own? Is it your ability to put people at ease by confessing your own flaws, mistakes, or quirks?
Use these unique gifts to endear yourself to others.
For example, people love those who see the best in them and make them aware of their thoughts. They love individuals to whom they can express their genuine opinions and not feel judged or looked down upon.
And people especially love those who don’t pretend to be perfect.
Why?
Letting others know your weaknesses makes you more likable because we’ve all made mortifying mistakes or been cowards or screw-ups at some point. And it feels good to know we’re not alone in our imperfections.
The Bottom Line:
There’s another law of likability that Lederman writes about. It’s called the “Law of Mood Memory,” and it’s the common thread that connects all her other laws.
Lederman explains below that whether a person likes you depends mostly on how you make them feel. She notes:
“The way you experience a person or situation — the feeling you get, whether negative or positive — lingers long after the moment of interaction has passed. The impressions you are left with form the feelings you associate with that person or event. This is called “mood memory.” Creating positive mood memories of yourself for other people is an essential part of increasing your likability.”
And when you offer up a listening ear, show curiosity about other people, and convey optimism, empathy, and humor, you’ll light up the room. All because you simply lit up others first.